I'm dead and it's all my fault.

You got that all wrong, Doug. You want to suffocate a cold and berate a fever. And if it’s the runs, get your self in a nice hot sauna and sweat ‘em out.

I’m gonna pull over and ask these guys for directions. To be honest, Doug, I hope they are gangbangers. Anyone that proud of their neighborhood would probably know the best way to get around.

I’ll say, Doug, I feel like I put up with a lot of your shit a lot of the time. But so help me God, if you look at me sideways again just for ordering another side of bacon, I’ll bury you in the yard. Now pass me the salt.

You don’t have to pay the mafia back if you can outsmart them, Doug. Check out this wig.

How are those coals coming, Douglas?  Nice.  Make mine rare, would you?  What?  So what if it’s chicken?

Base jumping, Doug. It’s like skydiving but you don’t have to pay some jerk with an airplane—you just jump off whatever you feel like. A bridge? Jesus, Doug, I’m not gonna go “Point Break” on this shit right away. Maybe the gym roof at the Y for starts. Yes, I’m just “stuffing it in there.” It’s not how it goes in the backpack, it’s how it comes out. Well, it’s parts of your old tent, Doug. You weren’t using it.

I think I might be an adrenaline junkie, Doug. Well, sure, there’s still the regular junkie part too. But the meth is only fun now when I’m doing crazy shit like racing cars or running from the cops.

It’s only depression when you don’t know why you’re sad, Doug. Once you figure out why you’re sad, you have a revelation. An epiphany even. And sometimes an epiphany is accessorized with the spontaneous purchase of a used crossbow. Don’t go getting all worked up on me now, Douglas. I’m not going to do anything dramatic…just what’s necessary.

Not the military, Doug—soldier of fortune. I won’t have to waste my time with that bootcamp bullshit. Just get in there, kick some ass, and get paid, you know? Code name “Rocket Queen.” Yeah, well maybe some people think “Doug” is a gay name, dick. Listen, I’m fighting to protect your right to say whatever dumb shit you want, so you’d better watch your mouth. What? No, the cargo shorts are part of my uniform. Yeah? Well I bet you’d live longer if you just tried being supportive for once.

We can cross right here. No, it’s perfectly fine. This state has a little something called pedestrian right-of-way, Doug. You can just step out into traffic whenever you want and the cars have to let you go. Of course they’ll stop—it’s the law.

Nights like this are just made for popping some Moody Blues in the old Discman and taking a walk on the tracks, Doug. It’s called introspection.

Yes, I’m laying down. If there’s two things I know in this world, Doug, it’s that I always tear up at the breakdown in “Night Moves” and that you always, always take a nap after hitting your head. Now leave me alone because I really conked myself good trying to find the goddamn Jenga game in the crawlspace and I want to sleep it off before the chinese food gets here. No sense in trying to enjoy a sensible evening in with a headache pounding away.

You got any WD-40, Doug?  Bring it here and help me get these license plates off.  What are you up to right now?  Wanna take a quick run to the bank with me? It really doesn’t matter which—nevermind. Will I be quick? Let’s hope so, Doug. Let’s hope so.

I’ll say it again. I just watched “The Abyss” and “Flatliners” back to back and so now I’m going to make some of that baby fluid to breathe under water and if it doesn’t work you need to bring me back to life. I can’t make it sound any more simple than that. With a defibrillator thingy I guess. Jesus, then get a car battery and some air hockey paddles, Doug. I don’t know—improvise.

This goddamn demon is getting ridiculous, Doug, and I don’t think the santeria is working. Santeria, Douglas. I don’t know, some old Mexican lady was talking about it at the laundromat. Couldn’t tell you, but based on the way it sounds, I’ve been putting milk and cookies out every night and hoping that does the trick. Well if you’ve got a better idea, why don’t you go ahead and pipe up because I haven’t slept in weeks and it keeps tearing down all my King Diamond posters.