I'm dead and it's all my fault.

Red Bull is throwing so much money at extreme sports it’s ridiculous. Besides, what’s so hard about it? You skateboard down the ramp, you hit the other part, you skateboard up the ramp into the air. Simple. That fella Bob Burnquist does it all the time, and his name is “Bob.” If a dude named “Bob” can do it, I don’t think it’s all that extreme in the first place. Nah, man, I don’t want to wear a helmet that doesn’t say “Red Bull.” It would upset my potential sponsor.

What’s the point of going to the wild animal park if you’re not riding a motorcycle, Doug?Give those lions a run for their money! Wearin’ my sweet zebra-striped jacket to really make things interesting. Gotta be done by 5 so I can take the bike in for a tune-up though. Real overdue for one of those.

Hey Doug, this guy’s trying to tell me he’s in the “Mexican” Mafia! Whatever, Teflon Juan. First you people came and took jobs away from Americans but good luck trying to take organized crime away from the Degos. Besides, anyone can get a neck tattoo these days, so I’m not really scared just because it says “Jalapeno Joe” or whatever that chicken scratch is across your throat. 

I’m sticking it to big oil, Doug. Got me one of these totally rad fixed-gear bicycles. It’s called that because you can’t stop pedaling and it has no brakes. Because stopping is for pussies, Doug. With one of these babies you just let your ‘tude carry you through the intersections.

Of course you smell gas, Doug. I had a Cheesy Gordita Crunch for dinner last night. Ha! What? The oven? No, no—if the pilot light goes out, then the co-pilot light kicks in. These things all have built-in safety mechanisms. You worry too much. Let’s smoke this doob and stop stressing about bullshit all the time, shall we?

Not only am I organizing the first ever McRib eating contest, I plan on being the first champion as well. You’ve got a fighting chance of coming in second, Doug. Nobody else is really getting on board so all you’d have to do is show up and the silver’s yours.

I’m eating candy for dinner, Doug, so I can go to the dentist. The more X-rays I get, the more radiation I’m exposed to. If science has taught us anything, it’s that exposure to radiation unleashes your superpowers. Yeah, I just slip that apron thing off when he’s not looking. Actually, I feel we all have superpowers, Doug. Even you. You have the power to be a fucking drag all the time. Hey, Captain Apathy, arch enemy of good times, mind passing me those Mike ‘n Ikes?

So far the voices in my head are just telling me to eat a lot of frozen pizza and watch Nick At Night, so I see no need to start taking these pills. Oh, Doug, that was one time, and everyone at Walmart knew I was having a spell.

Got one raft for me, one for the twelver of Coors Light, and one for the boom box. This is how you throw a pool party, Doug! Of course I’m using the extension cord. You see the cost of D-cell batteries these days? Well, unless you want to sit there and sing all of ZZ Top’s “Eliminator” while I soak in this beautiful afternoon, I suggest you leave that thing plugged in. Now fuck off. You’re blocking my sun.

We’re just bullshitting here, Doug. A free exchange of ideas, man. And what I’m saying is if you package dope small enough and put it in kernels of corn and eat it, you can sneak it anywhere in the world. It’s gonna come out looking the same as it did when you put it in.

No, it’s because they were honey-roasted. I think I must be allergic to honey roasting or something. These are just plain so I’ll be fine.

See, you’re just falling for the media depiction of it. If heroin’s really that bad, why are are the best artists and musicians into it? Besides, you can go totally green if you share needles. You’re the one always talking about our carbon footprint, Doug.

The problem with the Guardian Angels is that they travel in packs, Doug. You can see ‘em coming from a mile away, so everyone stops doing their illegal shit before they can get caught. It’s a temporary solution. But if it’s just me on the subway, nobody will know that I’m, you know, a guy they shouldn’t fuck with. Criminals’ll be all, like, “Gimme your money” and then I’ll be all, like, “Oh, yeah? Well, looks like all I have in my wallet is five FINGERS TO YOUR FACE!” And boom, I just get him with a right slap or whatever and that’ll give me time to get out my bo staff in case there’s a bunch of ‘em. I’ll consider your silence as a “thank you” for making the streets safer for you, Douglas.

Lead paint’s only dangerous to babies and Superman. I know you’re not Superman, but you can be a real goddamn baby so maybe it’s best you stay away from my art. You wouldn’t get it anyway—I’m mostly influenced by Cubanism. No, I’m pretty sure it’s “Cubanism.” Because Picasso was Cuban, dummy. I read it on Wikipedia.

It’s called parkour. All I have to do is fall down a couple staircases and I can get a million-dollar Nike sponsorship. Sometimes the world is a simpler place than you make it out to be, Doug.