I'm dead and it's all my fault.

You got it all wrong, Doug. You can’t use the elevator if there’s a fire. This is an earthquake, so press “L” and stop bitching. We don’t have a lot of time.

First, Doug, it’s called soccer. Second, Doug, soccer is for homos and I have no problem announcing it, regardless of what country we’re in. Also, sports teams are supposed to be named after animals or disasters. “Burnley” sounds like disfigured butler.

That’s the thing, Doug.  Nobody expects me to be smuggling drugs into South America. Well, I’m sorry about your toast but I have to use the butter to lube these things up. Because the dogs know to smell for Vaseline. Don’t you watch Locked Up Abroad? Just go get a goddamn McMuffin already. I don’t want you looking at me while I do this anyway.

The Who weren’t shit until Keith Moon blew up his drum kit. I’m using twice as much explosives as he did so we can rocket to fame twice as fast. Well maybe you’re just not cut out for the rock and roll lifestyle, Doug.

Organs don’t fail, Doug. They surrender. And surrender is unacceptable. If these kidneys backstep on me once more, I’m burning the whole village down.

Where did I put my car keys, Doug? All this Nyquil’s gonna kick in soon, so I’m taking off. Gotta try and outrun this nap.

I’m going on a hunger strike. Until they bring back Naugles is when. Life just ain’t worth living if you don’t stand for something, Doug. Best nachos I ever had.

There’s no argument. I want pec implants and plastic surgeons in the States just can’t compete with Bolivian prices. That’s why this country’s in trouble, Douglas. Americans just won’t embrace the barter system. I traded him your weight bench. I didn’t think you’d mind because you’re already in such great shape. Calm down.

These fucking DUIs are killing me, Doug. That’s why I’m getting my pilot’s license. No cops in the sky, buddy.

Get your poncho, Doug. I got a pony keg, a Crave Case, and a full tank in the Cavalier. Time to go storm chasin’!

I’m a volunteer fireman, Doug. I just show up where I can when I can, you know? Well, I assume the training is voluntary as well. I’m not gonna waste a whole afternoon listening to some guy tell me that water puts out a fire.

You’re missing my point, Douglas. Once they realize that I’m only provoking the chase to demonstrate my anti-PIT maneuver, the cops will be thankful that I pointed out a weakness in their technique. Probably make me a civilian consultant or some shit.

That’s why the business cards say “amateur pyrotechnician,” so cram it with all your “false advertising” horseshit, Doug.

I’m doing the turkey this year. Gonna deep fry it. What “displacement?” That’s what happens to dogs when you pure breed ‘em, Doug. Besides, birds don’t even have hips. Listen, I’m starving so you can sit there with your misinformation all you want but I’m going bombs-away on this son of a bitch as soon as I finish another beer.

You see, that’s the problem with the Deadliest Catch, Doug—they’ve got to split the profits between the whole crew. That’s like 10 or 15 guys. Now if just me and you go out there, I’m sure with a little elbow grease and can-do attitude we could—you didn’t even let me finish! Fine, land queer. Enjoy staying dry in the lower-middle class, jerk. I’m going to Bass Pro Shops to gear up.