August 2011
2 posts
Red Bull is throwing so much money at extreme sports it’s ridiculous. Besides, what’s so hard about it? You skateboard down the ramp, you hit the other part, you skateboard up the ramp into the air. Simple. That fella Bob Burnquist does it all the time, and his name is “Bob.” If a dude named “Bob” can do it, I don’t think it’s all that extreme in the...
What’s the point of going to the wild animal park if you’re not riding a motorcycle, Doug?Give those lions a run for their money! Wearin’ my sweet zebra-striped jacket to really make things interesting. Gotta be done by 5 so I can take the bike in for a tune-up though. Real overdue for one of those.
July 2011
3 posts
Hey Doug, this guy’s trying to tell me he’s in the “Mexican” Mafia! Whatever, Teflon Juan. First you people came and took jobs away from Americans but good luck trying to take organized crime away from the Degos. Besides, anyone can get a neck tattoo these days, so I’m not really scared just because it says “Jalapeno Joe” or whatever that chicken scratch...
I’m sticking it to big oil, Doug. Got me one of these totally rad fixed-gear bicycles. It’s called that because you can’t stop pedaling and it has no brakes. Because stopping is for pussies, Doug. With one of these babies you just let your ‘tude carry you through the intersections.
Of course you smell gas, Doug. I had a Cheesy Gordita Crunch for dinner last night. Ha! What? The oven? No, no—if the pilot light goes out, then the co-pilot light kicks in. These things all have built-in safety mechanisms. You worry too much. Let’s smoke this doob and stop stressing about bullshit all the time, shall we?
November 2010
1 post
Not only am I organizing the first ever McRib eating contest, I plan on being the first champion as well. You’ve got a fighting chance of coming in second, Doug. Nobody else is really getting on board so all you’d have to do is show up and the silver’s yours.
October 2010
2 posts
I’m eating candy for dinner, Doug, so I can go to the dentist. The more X-rays I get, the more radiation I’m exposed to. If science has taught us anything, it’s that exposure to radiation unleashes your superpowers. Yeah, I just slip that apron thing off when he’s not looking. Actually, I feel we all have superpowers, Doug. Even you. You have the power to be a fucking drag...
So far the voices in my head are just telling me to eat a lot of frozen pizza and watch Nick At Night, so I see no need to start taking these pills. Oh, Doug, that was one time, and everyone at Walmart knew I was having a spell.
September 2010
4 posts
Got one raft for me, one for the twelver of Coors Light, and one for the boom box. This is how you throw a pool party, Doug! Of course I’m using the extension cord. You see the cost of D-cell batteries these days? Well, unless you want to sit there and sing all of ZZ Top’s “Eliminator” while I soak in this beautiful afternoon, I suggest you leave that thing plugged in. Now...
We’re just bullshitting here, Doug. A free exchange of ideas, man. And what I’m saying is if you package dope small enough and put it in kernels of corn and eat it, you can sneak it anywhere in the world. It’s gonna come out looking the same as it did when you put it in.
No, it’s because they were honey-roasted. I think I must be allergic to honey roasting or something. These are just plain so I’ll be fine.
See, you’re just falling for the media depiction of it. If heroin’s really that bad, why are are the best artists and musicians into it? Besides, you can go totally green if you share needles. You’re the one always talking about our carbon footprint, Doug.
August 2010
6 posts
The problem with the Guardian Angels is that they travel in packs, Doug. You can see ‘em coming from a mile away, so everyone stops doing their illegal shit before they can get caught. It’s a temporary solution. But if it’s just me on the subway, nobody will know that I’m, you know, a guy they shouldn’t fuck with. Criminals’ll be all, like, “Gimme your...
Lead paint’s only dangerous to babies and Superman. I know you’re not Superman, but you can be a real goddamn baby so maybe it’s best you stay away from my art. You wouldn’t get it anyway—I’m mostly influenced by Cubanism. No, I’m pretty sure it’s “Cubanism.” Because Picasso was Cuban, dummy. I read it on Wikipedia.
It’s called parkour. All I have to do is fall down a couple staircases and I can get a million-dollar Nike sponsorship. Sometimes the world is a simpler place than you make it out to be, Doug.
That’s the thing, I love Cirque du Soleil, Doug, but fuck the Beatles, man. That’s why I wrote one based on Kiss’ “Destroyer.” So first, I need you to help me with my face paint. The Demon, naturally. You’ll be Starchild. Next, we need to figure out this trapeze shit. I figure we’ll do some flips to “Shout It Out Loud” and then go...
This is what I’m talking about—if I have to explain why a homemade zip line is the best idea ever, I’m just wasting my time with you, Doug. You just keep on walking all the way to the mail box every day. I’ll be busy doing some kind of awesome shit with all this time I’m gonna save.
I know alligators don’t understand English, you asshole. It’s all about the tone of voice you use. Just you watch, Doug. Twenty minutes of sweet-talking and this beast will be begging to become a new pair of boots.
July 2010
8 posts
The way I figure it, Doug, why pay some quack shaman a bunch of cash just to sit out in the desert for a week when I can just put the barbecue in the shed and make my own sweat lodge right here? My spirit animal is probably a dragon or some shit, so no matter how crazy it gets in there, don’t open the door. Just let me work it out. Oh yeah? Well your spirit animal is probably a fag anyway.
Goddamnit, Doug, stop bitching about it and just... →
It’ll just be me and the open sea, Doug. A what? No, no. None of that bullshit. I’m just gonna navigate by the stars like a true explorer. If all goes according to plan, I should be back in a couple weeks. Got an appointment with the optometrist that I’ve been putting off for quite a while now, so I want to get back in time for that.
No, the sign said “water is not portable.” “Potable?” Is that another one from Doug’s Dictionary Of Words He Pulls Out Of His Ass? I don’t know why it wouldn’t be portable. Listen, I’m hot and thirsty, so this is no time for one of your little “Quiz Show” moments.
“Load-bearing walls” is a myth made up by the carpenters’ union to scare people away from doing their own home improvements. Fine, then don’t help. But don’t plan on enjoying the kick-ass Japanese rock garden I’m putting in the basement. Perfectly balanced feng shui isn’t for the unappreciative, Doug, so good luck finding transcendental peace somewhere...
If fireworks were so dangerous, they wouldn’t be perfectly legal in 21 of our beautiful United States. And since we happen to live next to one of those states, I now have a trunk full of kaboom-style good times. You go whip up some Everclear punch and I’ll start setting up “America’s Birthday Candles.”
Best thing you can do if you come across a pack of mountain lions is try to grab one of the cubs. That way you have some way of negotiating with ‘em. Fine, Doug, you go right on ahead and square off with a mountain lion empty-handed. See where that gets you.
June 2010
4 posts
It’s a raw food diet, Doug. You just eat what you normally would eat without cooking it. “Only fruits and vegetables?” Once again, you’re entirely wrong. That’s a vegetarian diet. This is a raw diet. You’d sooner catch me in a dress singing “All The Single Ladies” from a lamp post than see me give up bacon.
I was hungry so I ate your leftover sushi, Doug. What do you mean “you didn’t have any sushi?” Well I don’t even want to know what I thought was wasabi paste then.
Fuck it, Doug. I’m sick of renting and this place is super affordable. Well if this whole “used to be an Indian burial ground” thing bums you out so much, then I guess I won’t be seeing you at my housewarming pool party. More leftover fried chicken for me then.
Well, I took too many Xanax, so then I took a bunch of Adderall to right the ship, you know? Might have over-corrected though. I feel like barfing and passing out, but this is the most intense relaxation I’ve ever experienced, Doug.
May 2010
5 posts
No, I’m not gonna wear a goddamn seatbelt. Because the pussy’s not gonna be rolling in when my Bullet Boys shirt’s all wrinkled and fucked up. Ladies have higher standards at this age, Doug. It’s time to appear refined.
Doug, I’m sweating and having trouble breathing. A what? Don’t be so melodramatic. If anything it’s a Big Mac attack. Be a pal and go get me the cure, yeah? And a strawberry shake while you’re at it.
Doug, check it out! I fixed the microwave so it runs even when the door’s open. No more wasting time with all this “open, close, open, close” bullshit. Yeah, well sometimes I feel like you’re gonna give me cancer.
I’ll just use the hose, Doug. Yeah, I know they have sprays for these types of things, but a.) it’s not like I can just pull six bucks out of my ass whenever I want, and b.) last time I checked, hornets can’t swim.
That’s entirely untrue. Brightly-colored snakes aren’t venomous, Doug, they’re fabulous. The reds and yellows are just a reptile’s way of saying, “Hey world, get a load of me!” They’re not dangerous, but they can be fierce. You know what I’m saying?
April 2010
4 posts
That’s the problem with undercover cops, Doug. They’re still cops, you know? They’ve still got all those rules to follow. It’s too limiting to do any good. But if I go in there all bounty hunter style, on top of my mastery of disguise—no, you don’t understand, Doug! Oh, just shut the fuck up and give me the fake moustache already.
Road trip! No, not with you, Douglas. Some guy I met on Craigslist. Said he’s into bondage, which is exactly what I’m looking for. Just two guys on the open road, bondaging about life and women and what it all means. It’ll be nice to take a break from your pissing and moaning for once.
Cops said if I get caught huffing again they’re locking me up, but they didn’t say nothing about painting an unventilated bathroom over and over again. You can either join me or judge me, Douglas, but don’t just stand there with the door open. You’re letting all the party out of here.
You’re totally wrong, Doug. I keep a gun under my pillow because I sleepwalk. There’s no telling what kind of situation I’ll wake up in. Last week I came to in a Boston Market wearing nothing but a sombrero and hiking boots. Manager said I’d been there for a half hour just mumbling about how the Holocaust never happened.
March 2010
3 posts
Why would you pay for a Mr. Pibb when you can just tip these machines a little and shake one out? Christ, Doug, you’d be a millionaire if you weren’t such a sucker.
It’s not what it looks like, Doug. I’ve got rectal bleeding and I’m applying pressure the only way I know how. Stop laughing and call an ambulance!
Shit, I put my cyanide pill in the same pocket as my Mentos again. What? Why do I carry around Mentos? Fresh breath, dummy. Oh, the other thing. Because, Doug, I know things. Let’s just say there was a lot of “intelligence” I collected before they kicked me out of the National Guard.
February 2010
10 posts
There’s no such thing as a bad neighborhood when you’ve got a purple belt in taekwondo, Doug.
Street racing, Doug. The Cavalier’s tuned up and I’m ready to Tokyo drift these fuckers out of 50 bucks. Of course I can take ‘em. Look at these guys. Gonna be more like “The Last and the Bi-curious” when I get done around here. I’m not sure what it means either, Doug, but it rhymes and it sounds insulting.
So I figured why pay for a pure breed when there’s a ton of rescue pit bulls out there already, you know? Just gotta make sure to wrestle with him on a regular basis to display dominance. And always, always make eye contact. If these dogs don’t respect you as a worthy foe, they’re just gonna piss all over everything and chew up your cds.
Fuck the tour group, Doug. These guys want to take us back to their village and show us the real Amazon. Besides, remember how the guide even said there’s cannabis all over this part of the jungle? Let’s get fucked up with the natives! They’ve probably got the best shit. You’re paranoid. He clearly said “cannabis.” Fine, tell everyone else I ran off with the...
If vegetables are so goddamn healthy, then I shouldn’t even have to chew them. Down the hatch with those filthy things is what I have to say about it. Besides, I never trusted the Heimlich maneuver. Who names a medical procedure a “maneuver” anyway? Untrustworthy Germans is who, Doug.
How many times do I have to tell you that I can’t go to the hospital, Doug? I’m a Christian Scientist! It goes against my beliefs to have health insurance. Plus it saves me a shit-ton of money. How do you think I could afford the dirt bike in the first place? Shit, Doug, I think that’s a major artery. If you want to help, hold my hand and pray for the bleeding to stop.
Have fun on the bus to Fargo, Doug. I just won a coin toss with some guitar player and now I’ve got a seat on a plane. Who? The guy who sang “La Bamba?” And Buddy Holly? Really, Doug? Who else was on this bullshit plane crash of yours—Bigfoot and Snow White? What? “American Pie” is obviously a song about drinking and driving. Why don’t you use your bus...
Well they should have anticipated hostility when they got rid of the Big Bacon Classic. It’s a classic! Says so right in the name! I didn’t mean to hit that guy so hard though. Either way, I’m making a run for it. I can’t go back to prison, Doug. That night I spent for the DUI almost killed me, and I swore they’d never take me back alive.