December 2009
14 posts
“Do it underwater to make it really badass.” You know who said that? Henry Houdini. Now help me with the straightjacket and put the padlocks on. Those girls will be here soon and I want to be ready to jump in the pool right when they walk in. Bitches love magic, Doug, and I’m not gonna blow it this time with a bunch of conversation up front.
I shouldn’t smoke in bed? Look out that window, Doug. Is that a Russian flag hanging on my flagpole? No, it’s not. It’s a U-S-of-God-blessed-A flag. When those beautiful stars and stripes fall to a hammer and sickle, that’s when I’ll stop smoking in bed. Now bring me a milk or fuck off or both.
No, Doug, not astrology—astronomy. They’re into astronomy. Yeah, comets and stars and shit. Totally legit. The guy just said to bring black sweatpants and white Nikes. It’s this exclusive resort community out in the desert run by some guy named Evan. I mean, it’s called “Evan’s Gate,” so I’m assuming the guy’s name is Evan.
You got it all wrong, Doug. You can’t use the elevator if there’s a fire. This is an earthquake, so press “L” and stop bitching. We don’t have a lot of time.
First, Doug, it’s called soccer. Second, Doug, soccer is for homos and I have no problem announcing it, regardless of what country we’re in. Also, sports teams are supposed to be named after animals or disasters. “Burnley” sounds like a disfigured butler.
That’s the thing, Doug. Nobody expects me to be smuggling drugs into South America. Well, I’m sorry about your toast but I have to use the butter to lube these things up. Because the dogs know to smell for Vaseline. Don’t you watch Locked Up Abroad? Just go get a goddamn McMuffin already. I don’t want you looking at me while I do this anyway.
The Who weren’t shit until Keith Moon blew up his drum kit. I’m using twice as much explosives as he did so we can rocket to fame twice as fast. Well maybe you’re just not cut out for the rock and roll lifestyle, Doug.
Organs don’t fail, Doug. They surrender. And surrender is unacceptable. If these kidneys backstep on me once more, I’m burning the whole village down.
Where did I put my car keys, Doug? All this Nyquil’s gonna kick in soon, so I’m taking off. Gotta try and outrun this nap.
I’m going on a hunger strike. Until they bring back Naugles is when. Life just ain’t worth living if you don’t stand for something, Doug. Best nachos I ever had.
There’s no argument. I want pec implants and plastic surgeons in the States just can’t compete with Bolivian prices. That’s why this country’s in trouble, Douglas. Americans just won’t embrace the barter system. I traded him your weight bench. I didn’t think you’d mind because you’re already in such great shape. Calm down.
These fucking DUIs are killing me, Doug. That’s why I’m getting my pilot’s license. No cops in the sky, buddy.
Get your poncho, Doug. I got a pony keg, a Crave Case, and a full tank in the Cavalier. Time to go storm chasin’!
I’m a volunteer fireman, Doug. I just show up where I can when I can, you know? Well, I assume the training is voluntary as well. I’m not gonna waste a whole afternoon listening to some guy tell me that water puts out a fire.